NARRATOR: Once upon a time in the year 1515, Queen Elizabeth I, of England,
sent an exploration ship out to the South Seas Area, just to see what the heck is out there. But, when the ship arrived in
the South Seas Area, a hurricane kicked up, tossing the ship back and forth, to and fro, obliderating it into millions of
pieces of kindling. And believe it or not, the only survivor of the shipwreck was Captain Samuel C. Pleasureton, who was washed
ashore on an uncharted South Seas Island--unknown to the rest of the world, and known only to the inhabitants of the island
as "The Island of Calitingi". Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests, and dignataries; this is where our story begins.
When Captain Pleasureton's ship had failed to return to England, Queen
Elizabeth sent another ship out in search of Captain Pleasureton's ship. Meanwhile, back on the Island of Calitingi, Captain
Pleasureton spent several months becoming acquainted with the natives of the island, who by the way, spoke very primative
English. He especially became acquainted with one of the beautiful maidens of the island whose name was Geneva Icing. One
thing led to another between the Captain and Geneva Icing, and soon, they fell in love. This did not go unnoticed by the Chief
of the Island, and one night the chief approached the good Captain, and said:
CHIEF: "Do you wish to partakem of Ceremonial
Cake with Geneva Icing, Captain Pleasureton?"
CAPTAIN: "What's that Chief?"
CHIEF: " 'Tis ritual handed down to inhabitants of Calitingi, many moons
ago. You partakem of cake, she partakem of cake,
and in doing so, you both takem wedding vows 'til death do you part. But, know this Captain Pleasureton! Divorce illegal on
Island of Calitingi. And those caught, trying to leavem spouse, or caught, trying to leavem island without spouse, we burnem
at stake!"
NARRATOR: Now as you can see, laws concerning marriage and responsibility
were very strict on the Island of Calitingi, which was something Geneva Icing was very accustomed to, being she had lived
there her whole life. But for the good Captain, that was a different story. One night, as the Captain and Geneva stood on
a hillside, overlooking the beach, Geneva looked at the Captain, and asked:
GENEVA: "Will you partakem of Ceremonial
Cake with me?"
NARRATOR: And the captain replied.....
CAPTAIN: "Well gee, my dearest darling Geneva, let us first live together
for a while. Then if things work out, we will partake, of your ceremonial cake."
GENEVA: "Humpf!" [slaps him]
NARRATOR: Now you see, it was like this. Not only was cohabitation also
illegal on the Island of Claiming, it was the ultimate insult of ultimate insults to even ask a woman this. You see, the Ceremonial Cake was the symbol of
the three vital ingredients, which make up a wholesome life long relationship between a man and a woman: Romance, Responsibility,
and Commitment. And since cohabitation only focuses on one of the three elements, it blows away everything that the Ceremonial Cake stood for, which is
something the Islanders held very sacred.
And the thrust of Geneva Icing's slap knocked the good Captain down the
hillside, overlooking the beach, in a sitting position.
CAPTAIN: "Ooh-ooh-ow-ee-ow-ow! Ooh-ooh-ow-ee-ow-ow!"
NARRATOR: And he slid out onto the beach......
CAPTAIN: "AHHHAHHAH!"
NARRATOR: .....right through a cactus bed. And it wasn't long before
Geneva Icing found herself lost in the arms of one of the handsome yopung native men of the Island. The Captain on the other
hand spent the next several months camped out on the beach, sulking over his loss.
And one day, even though he had his distress torches lit, he was so down
about Geneva Icing, he didn't happen to notice that there was a rescue ship out in the water, about 200 yards from him--until
he heard a voice calling from it.
DRAKE: "Ahoy! Captain Sam Pleasureton! Is that you? Are you ready to
be rescued?"
CAPTAIN: "No, I'm just waving these torches on the beach to chase the
sand crabs to the other side of the island. Of course I want to be rescued! Who are you?"
DRAKE: "It's your old friend and Colleague, Francis Drake! We went to
the Ding Dong Day Naval Academy together. Her Majesty sent me to rescue you!"
CAPTAIN: [sobbing] "Frank ol' boy, it's really you! Bring the boat in
here and get me off this Island!"
DRAKE: "In exchange for going out on a lark, looking for you, YOU OLD
SALT, her majesty knighted me a few months ago. It's Sir Frank Ol' Boy
if you please!"
CAPTAIN: "Whatever, just bring the dingy in here, and get me off this
floating basket of fruit!"
NARRATOR: And so our story concludes, as Captain Samuel C. Pleasureton
sets sail for England aboard Sir Francis Drakes famous exploration ship. And the Captain looks at Drake and says:
CAPTAIN: "How about that, Frank Ol', --I mean Sir Frank Ol' boy! She
jilted me for that native landlubber just because I wouldn't partake of her ceremonial
cake right away. I just wanted to live with her for a while, and see how things
went first."
NARRATOR: But Drake looked at the Captain, and said:
DRAKE: "Well that's tough, Sam my boy! But, you know what they say. If
a man wants a healthy, wholesome relationship with a woman, HE CAN'T HAVE HIS ICING WITHOUT THE CAKE!
NARRATOR: And that's the morale of today's fable.
